Discovering that your partner is cheating can be devastating.  When children are involved the emotional stakes can become overwhelming.  Your first decision should be to confirm the affair.  There are real benefits associated with this choice.  It is extremely common for partners to simply lie and deny the affair.

The “lie and deny” phase represents gaslighting.  You want to believe they are NOT cheating, that all of this is NOT real.  You want to believe that YOU are mistaken, that your concept of reality is not real, none of this is real.  If you are being cheated on choosing to accept the lie represents and insidious, demeaning and damaging choice to your mental and physical health.

Your partner is training you NOT to trust your own judgment, your instincts, your grasp on reality.  They want you to allow them to manipulate and control you.  Having indisputable knowledge of the reality of the affair will help you make an informed decision regarding the next steps in your relationship and your life.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is commonly recognized as emotional manipulation.  The purpose is to control the partner by manipulating them to accept their distorted view of reality rather than trust their own judgment.

The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1938 play Angel Street.  In the film Gaslight, directed by Alfred Hitchcock, a husband contrives to convince his wife that she is going insane, that her perception or reality is false.  He turns on the lights in the attic to search for her jewelry collection causing the gas lights in their home to dim.  He denies this reality telling her this is all in her imagination causing her to question her own memories and perceptions.

Gaslighting typically takes place in abusive relationships and is closely associated with other types of emotional and physical abuse. While gaslighting is most common in romantic relationships, it can also occur within family or workplace relationships.